Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Life... What's that?

My blogs usually flow from my mind to paper effortlessly and willingly. But this blog, on this particular day, seems the most difficult one of all. What is my highest purpose? Who am I really? The only answer I can give to this question is that I truly have no idea. I don’t know who I am meant to be and there are so many things constantly changing about who I am, that sometimes I am scared of my indecisiveness and my obscure mind. Reading Eat Pray Love was like a reiteration and exemplification of the constant thoughts that flood through my mind at any given second.

Gilbert’s story of self-discovery was one in which she learned about her relationships, her world, and herself. She courageously embarked on a journey to foreign lands with just the hope of finding out more about herself. One could call it a midlife crisis, but I like to think of it in a different light. Gilbert allowed herself to think, allowed herself to question. In some ways, I feel as if people in the world carry on their lives in a definite pattern, in an expectation, without challenging one’s mind. Gilbert allowed herself to think; not about her job, her husband, money, or her society, but about who she is and who she defines herself as. It seems a necessary part of life to ask ourselves the ultimate question: Who am I, and is this who I want to be?

Gilbert’s life questions are those that I ask myself daily. When I embarked on a journey to backpack around Europe, I thought that I would gain a clear and concise perspective or knowledge about the way the world works, and my function within it. But my journey to self discovery only confused me more. Perhaps while Gilbert’s journey illuminated her life, I was more befuddled by mine and I found myself questioning things that I was sure of before I went on my journey.

A year after my own journey, reading Gilbert’s book seems pleasantly ironic. I am more confused than I was last year, and then the year before that. I know not who I am, or what my purpose is. My relationships are unclear, my religion an extraneous and seems an irrelevant side-note, and my deepest desires and dreams are but a confounded scramble of ideas. I have never been more in need of direction in my life. After reading Gilbert’s book, I hope that someday I will gain the understandings of my life, my purpose, and self just as she did.

But these moments of obscurity I consider a blessing. They allow me to explore the world around me, to question the beliefs that I once held so vehemently. It is a daunting exploration; learning of oneself, but nevertheless necessary and in all honesty, a beautiful journey. I am of the opinion that I might never truly know my purpose and in some ways this is a comfort to me. Life would be boring without the questions, without the considerations, and without change.

I am encouraged by Gilbert’s book, not disheartened, because I know that I am connected to 6 billion other souls by one irrefutable commonality: at some point or other, if we allow ourselves to, we will question who we are and what our lives are meant to be. We are connected through our uncertainty. Uncertainty is inclusive, indiscriminate, and unavoidable. I know that I will be able to answer this question soon, and it is possible that I will change it completely in the next five years. But the importance, as Gilbert knows, is not the conclusion, but rather the journey.

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